Just curious, would anyone be interested in me continuing this?
Anonymous asked: Hey just asking here but ru going to go back to these personal logs again, I like them and i would really love to read new ones from you.
i would like to- i’ve had a crazy few months but i’d really love to get back to this project soon. keep an eye out!
Anonymous asked: Are you going to continue this amazing story? I look forward to reading more, and it's such a cliffhanger. I reeeeally want them to find a new equilibrium, for Shep to get her badass self back and for Kaidan to be there with her. Through trials and tribulations, etc. So, consider me a cheerleader hoping to watch your post-ME3 interpretation evolve! :)
aaaa i’m glad to know somebody remembers this tbh! i’m going to come back to it soon, i’m trying to figure out how to continue since the EC kind of took away the whole indoc theory thing but i’m not abandoning this story! i really appreciate the support <3
21 May 2188
I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t.
He’s trying to get me to go to the shrink he goes to. With him, he said, or by myself. He’s just worried. Worried, about how I haven’t been sleeping or eating. Says I need to go see Chakwas at least. But wants to go to his shrink and bring me along this time. Just once. Just to try. Says he only wants the best for me but I don’t believe him anymore.
I know I’m a little fucked up, I’m not that stupid to think that I’m not. But it’s so selfish of him to want me to go to that doctor. He can’t just take me like this? He doesn’t love me anymore. Who was I kidding.
He said he’d take care of me.
Now he’s calling on this fucking shrink to preach to me, to medicate me and “fix me” and all that. I will not. I can’t do that, to myself, to him, to anyone. I can handle myself. This is completely normal. I saved the fucking universe, I don’t need a damn doctor to cure me. Yeah, it’s hard to sleep. Yeah, I think about the war. But I’m fine.
Can’t even look at him anymore. He just keeps looking back at me with those stupid brown eyes, all worried and sad and… I know it’s my fault that he’s like this. I’m terrible for him, I’m killing him and I know it. But I know that he needs me. Feel guilty because I know what he’s thinking. I know we make love and he sees that I don’t even feel anything anymore. Clearly has noticed that he touches my hand and I almost recoil. It’s not him, it’s not. It’s me. My fault. I don’t know, I just don’t feel like I used to. Spark’s gone. He wants to care for me. I want to sleep until I forget everything that’s happened.
Wish I could go back to the SR-1. Before the crash. Shore leave. Smiling like idiots and making too much food for dinner and making love until the sun came up. Getting drunk and watching old vids and dancing even though neither of us could dance. Wish I remembered how to be sentimental. I know that I want these things but my heart doesn’t feel in it when I think about them.
Makes no sense. Just want him to fix me. Not a doctor. Not pills. Just him.
Every piece of me wants him here but my head. Like pulling him in with my hands, then pushing him away with words. I don’t know how to describe it. When he touches me I recoil into myself. When he looks at me, a thousand days of guilt press to my chest. Killing me. I can feel it in my bones. Feel sorry. Feel like an idiot.
Feel terrible for the decisions I’m about to make.
He told me that I need to go to the doctor. Stood looking at me like I needed to listen to him. So desperate. His voice broke but he didn’t cry. Felt accused. Almost. Felt ashamed for upsetting him again. Kept saying that he needed me back, that he missed having me around. Missed my smile. I can’t even remember the last time I actually smiled at him.
Told him no. Plain and simple. I don’t do doctors. I don’t do shrinks. I don’t do the sorry looks and the bottles of pills and the sympathy cards. Had enough the first four times. Sick of hospitals. Sick of condescension. Sick.
Started to get upset. Threw some words around that we didn’t mean, I didn’t think much of it. And then, he said it.
Why don’t you love me anymore?
I couldn’t even look at him. I’m tearing him apart. He needs me to love him and I can’t even muster up the strength to touch his hand anymore. So sorry. Wasting his time. Wasting his energy. Wasting his life on me, protecting me and helping me and taking care of me. I will never understand why he still wants me. I’m just some shell of a soldier.
What’s the fucking point? I destroyed the Reapers. Earth doesn’t need me anymore. The Alliance clearly doesn’t need me anymore. Kaidan’s the only one who needs me. And maybe that’s not enough.
So sick of this place. Can’t even get out of bed anymore.
I need to get out of here. I need a break. I need to go see whoever I’ve got left out there before I do anything else stupid. He’ll never let me go, but I won’t tell him. I just have to do it. He needs to learn to do this without me. And I need to learn to do this alone.
259 days since the war.
I’ll call Garrus. Take the next ship out to Palaven.
ah-i-work-out asked: This is amazing. Honestly, some of the best writing I've seen in the fandom.
fdkjhask oh my goodness i’m really not worthy of such a kind compliment, but thank you! <3
16 May 2188
Kaidan came home earlier than usual. More concerned than anything else. Had my pistol out in bed next to me. Makes me feel better. Finally had to settle for sleeping alone because my head was killing me. Woke up feeling worse, terrible hangover. Threw up a couple times, probably should’ve last night but I was too fucked up to even give it a second thought.
I think he actually thought that I was going to off myself. I’m not there, not right now. No plans to actually end my life. Don’t understand what that would actually solve. Would feel guilty for all the extra grief on crew. Staying alive for them, maybe not me. When he walked into the bedroom he seemed relieved but panicked when he saw the gun. Took it away. It wasn’t loaded and the safety was on. He knows I used to sleep with the gun on the nightstand. He’s just paranoid.
Made me take my pills and made me dinner. Apologetic. I felt bad for making him nervous but at the same time I’m still mad. I’m not over last night, even though I don’t remember the majority of it. Better that way. Made me chicken parm over pasta. Tea. Even went out to the backyard to get a couple flowers from the pot to put in the kitchen. Think he thinks that it’ll make me happy. He doesn’t make me happy. Nothing he does makes me happy anymore.
God. When did it get this bad? Feel stupid. Feel angry. Feel sorry because he’s trying so hard and I can’t even muster up an “I love you.”
Took a shower around 9. Ten minutes in he’s knocking on the door, asking if he can join me. I know I’ve put him through enough shit for one day so I let him in. Kissed me and held me and washed me off. Felt stupid. Felt regret. Felt nothing else. What’s wrong with me? Soaked under the water with him. I knew he wanted to make love but I just couldn’t. So tired. So done.
He wrapped me up in a towel and carried me off to the bedroom. Kisses and words and breaths and I didn’t know how to respond. Forget what he wants from me. Put me down on the bed and unwrapped me anyway. Didn’t tell him no. Wish I could’ve, but I know he needed it. He’s so frustrated. He’s trying to hold on to whatever is left of us. I keep asking myself that. What’s left?
It was the first time in a long time that we made love without one of us being drunk or at least angry. Apologies in kisses. I tried. I did. He knew I wasn’t all there with him but he didn’t care, not tonight. He finished and he held me for a long time. Kept opening his mouth to speak but said nothing.
Feel trapped. I need to get out of here. But he’d never let me leave.
He fell asleep soon after. Tiptoed into the study and got my pistol out of the lockbox. Sitting on the porch watching the sky and having a smoke. He’ll be mad when he finds out I’ve been taking his cigarettes but I’m done caring. He has every right to be mad at me. He has every right to leave me. I can’t figure out why he stays.
Stars are hanging low tonight. Wonder how much it would take to get back out there. Can’t imagine going back but I can’t imagine staying here.Looked back into the bedroom and saw him tossing and turning, hand in the space where I usually sleep. He needs me more than I need him and I don’t know what to do.
254 days since the war. Each day it gets heavier.
A/N: I know I kinda left you all at a cliffhanger there but I’ll be updating this tonight at some point, fear not!
Anonymous asked: Eager to know how Shep's going to end up! psst post more this is wonderful
<3 thank you so much! i’m working on this today, so keep an eye out! :)
neontoasterx asked: I just wanted to stop by and let you know that this entire concept is absolutely AWESOME. I feel so bad for your Shepard, it tugs at my heart strings. This is so completely interesting and flawless. I love it. :)
Wowowow thank you so much!!! <3
15 May 2188
Voicemails Logged: 5:57 PM
Voicemail recieved: 10:17 AM
Shepard, it’s Kaidan… I’m sorry about last night. I’m on my way to work now, I… I wish you picked up, I dunno. I have a lot to say but most of it’s apologies. I just had a lot to drink and I know it’s no excuse but… I dunno. Just pick up the phone, I’m worried about you. You’re usually the one who calls first and I… need to hear your voice. I’m sorry, Shepard. I am. Call me back.
Voicemail recieved: 11:36 AM
Shepard, it’s Kaidan. You still haven’t called and I’m starting to get worried. I’m at work right now, I stayed over at a friend’s place last night. Please call me back. I need to hear from you, I just need to know you’re alright. I understand if you’re still mad. Please, at least shoot me a quick message or something. I can come home early to bring you your pills if you need me to, I don’t mind. I think I’ll probably come home early. If you want me around, I mean. Just call me back.
Voicemail recieved: 1:08 PM
Shepard, pick up the phone. Dammit… Why haven’t you gotten in touch? At least call Hackett or something, anyone, just get word to me that you’re okay. Please, Shepard.
Voicemail recieved: 2:47 PM
Hey Shepard… It’s Liara. Just calling to check in. We haven’t talked in awhile and… well… I wanted to see how you were doing, and if you needed anything… Goddess, I’m not subtle, am I? Please, call Kaidan. I understand you’re upset but he’s worried about you. He can’t exactly just take the hour drive home to find that you’re just angry with him. He’s worried sick. But my offer still stands: call me soon, okay?
Voicemail received: 4:12 PM
Shepard, I’m on my way home. I’m hoping you’re just sleeping or hungover… Jesus, I’m sorry. Please just be okay. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot, alright? I should never of said the things I did last night. I just need you to be okay again. I miss you. I wish I didn’t have to rebuild in the city but I… I dunno. I’m sorry, I just… God I’m an idiot. If the door’s locked I’ll understand but I need to see that you’re alright. Why haven’t you called?